Forgiveness: The Hardest Command

Peter thought he was being generous when he asked Jesus, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" (Matthew 18:21).

Seven times seemed like a lot. The rabbis of Jesus' day taught that forgiving someone three times was sufficient. Peter was doubling that and adding one for good measure.

Jesus' answer must have stunned him: "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times" (v. 22). Some translations say "seventy times seven" — 490 times. Either way, the point is the same: stop counting.

Forgiveness is not a quota to fill. It's a way of life.

Before we talk about what forgiveness is, it's worth clearing up some common misunderstandings — because these misunderstandings often make forgiveness feel impossible.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires two people — both the offended and the offender. Forgiveness is something you can do unilaterally. You can forgive someone who has never apologized, who is no longer in your life, or who has died.

Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong. Forgiving someone doesn't mean saying what they did was okay. It means releasing your claim to retribution. The wrong was real. The hurt was real. Forgiveness doesn't erase that — it releases you from being defined by it.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. "Forgive and forget" is not a biblical phrase. God says He will "remember our sins no more" (Hebrews 8:12), but that's a statement about His choice not to hold our sins against us — not a claim that He has no knowledge of them. We may always remember what happened. Forgiveness is about how we hold that memory.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. You may not feel like forgiving. You may not feel warmly toward the person who hurt you. Forgiveness begins as a decision, not a feeling. The feelings often follow — but they may take time.

Forgiveness is a decision to release someone from the debt they owe you. It's choosing not to hold their offense against them, not to seek revenge, not to let bitterness take root in your heart.

It is, at its core, an act of grace — giving someone something they don't deserve, just as God has given us something we don't deserve.

The standard is breathtaking: forgive as God has forgiven you. And God has forgiven us completely, freely, at great cost to Himself.

Jesus is not gentle about this. In the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:23–35), a servant who has been forgiven an enormous debt turns around and refuses to forgive a small debt owed to him. The master's response is severe.

Jesus' point is clear: those who have received forgiveness must extend it. Refusing to forgive is incompatible with having truly understood the forgiveness we've received.

There's also a practical reason: unforgiveness hurts you. Bitterness is described in Scripture as a root that "grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15). It poisons your relationships, your joy, and your spiritual life. Forgiveness is not just obedience — it's freedom.

Pray for the person who hurt you. This is one of the most powerful practices for breaking the grip of bitterness. You don't have to feel warmly toward them — just pray for their good. Over time, something shifts.

Remind yourself of how much you've been forgiven. Spend time meditating on the cross — on what it cost God to forgive you. Let that reality recalibrate your sense of what you're being asked to do.

Make the decision, then make it again. Forgiveness is often not a one-time event. You may decide to forgive and then find the anger rising again. That's normal. Make the decision again. And again. Each time, you're reinforcing the choice.

Seek help if you need it. Some wounds are deep enough that you need support to work through them — a pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend. There is no shame in that. Seeking help is wisdom.

Many people who have walked through the hard work of forgiveness describe it as one of the most liberating experiences of their lives. The weight they'd been carrying — sometimes for years — finally lifted.

That freedom is available to you. It begins with a decision.

We pray these words every time we say the Lord's Prayer. May we mean them.